Believe Again

So here I am going through a rough patch. And I keep telling myself...I'll pray tomorrow. Or, God knows, so why isn't He doing anything. Or just little things like that where my faith and my hope are/have been slowly dwindling down. And I've just let myself get whittled down to a pretty vulnerable position spiritually and all I keep thinking about is...Man, how can I know if where I'm being led is God? I know He has things planned for me, and I keep telling myself that He wants good for me and that it isn't just a pat answer. But it just keeps running together in my mind.

I feel like I'm just kinda floating around waiting for something. And like I've got any clue what that something is. It's like the more pain I get into, or have, the more I pull away from God. And it's not like I don't know that that isn't the right response. But that's what I do to everyone...And anyone who knows me, well anyone who knows me well, will agree with that statement. I'm walking a path blindfolded and I keep asking myself "Why?"

So I've kind of come to this point where I realize, or am realizing, that sometimes faith and hope and all that "stuff" is more of a decision than an actual belief. I read an article (and I'll post the part that matters) and heard a song (I'll post the lyrics) and it just kinda made me cry. I was like...Umm..Ok God, I get the hint. I can take a message. It was a moment like that. When things just started to crystalize for me and I realized I've been going about this the entirely wrong way. It's kinda like in Facing the Giants when the coach tells his team that God will be praised. And they need to keep that in mind and be willing to praise Him whether or not they get what they want. That they need to praise God when they win and when they lose.

So here's the quote: "...Letting go and trusting that good can come out of that. About trusting that God is going to work out the details we can't control." - Lacy/Flyleaf

And the song is:

Again by Flyleaf

It's okay

To breathe as deep as you play

Your future with me is safe

You sing with my heart when you pray

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

I love that you're never satisfied

With face value wisdom and happy lies

You take what they say and go back and cry

You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you

Be still

Wait and know I understand you

Be still

Be still

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

Here you are down at my feet

Handing it all back to me

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

So it's little wonder why I'm posting again...Seems like whenever something worth saying comes up I normally just keep it locked away where no one else can see. Safe and deep, like cards kept close to my chest. But this time I thought that I might as well say it. It's just like I finally felt able to admit that I'm having trouble and that this is an ongoing issue...And, yeah, I'm still struggling with this. But you know what? Sometimes it's the important stuff that we wrestle with again and again and again...Until we get an answer. So this is me. Waiting on God to come through for me like He said He would. And this is me being human, and saying...Sure, I'm not perfect. And people will see this and (I hope) misconceptions about me will be killed. Swiftly. And people will stop looking at me like I'm some kind of human-looking-machine and see the person behind it all. Cause it's that person who tries to glorify God and walk according to His standards and His ways. And it's all easier said than done. I'm not saying it's not, but in the end. I'd rather be struggling to get to where He wants me to go than end up where I want me to be. Every day I'm being changed from what I was before into what He sees me as. I am not the same person I was yesterday. I am not the same person I'll be tomorrow. I'm not who I was 8 years ago. And one day I'll be able to look back on this time and be like..."yeah, that's the lesson He was trying to teach me. And sure, it took me a while, but in the end I learned the lesson and now I can walk upright knowing that I won't fall. Because even when I stumble, He's there to help me get back up."

So for those of you wondering where I've gone and what I've been up to...Yeah, that was probably more than you wanted to know, but it's true so deal...;p