For Those of Us Who've Been Adopted...

So right now I'm so angry I'm literally shaking. I've reached the point where I need some kind of cathartic release or I'm going to scream or cry...And I'd rather avoid either reaction, if at all possible.

Christmas this year has been different from years past. I've had to rely on the Lord more this year than I have any other year. Mostly because of the situation with my mom, but also because of my own deteriorating health and the knowledge/fact that there is nothing, let me repeat that nothing that I can do to change my situation. The only one who can change anything is the same one who created the universe (and subsequently my situation). Harrowing thoughts (or sobering - take your pick).

This year was going fine. Between my mom and I we made dinner (I'm proud to say that the only thing she did was the turkey - I made everything else:)(small victory maybe but it's helped to make her day easier so mission accomplished)) and my grandmother came over and we ate. Maybe we weren't 'merry' per-say (she's a bit of a pessimist my gran) but it was family time and that made it special.

Right up until my gran decided to get my mom to call Aunt (technically she's my biological mother but a person doesn't qualify as a parent for abandoning their child to their sister because they're too busy pretending that they're 15 to actually take care of their child.) I would like to take an opportunity to talk to all the other adopted kids (or whatever your circumstance) out there...I know, you wonder about your parents and what they're like...But let me tell you something: Stop. I can speak from experience here and say you're better off wherever you are than you would be with them. It may be a terrible thing to say but I really would love to not know either of my mother. The only thing she's ever done for me was to give birth...Well, she also left me to my mom, so I guess that counts too. But I'm telling you: they're more trouble than they're worth. And maybe that's the anger and disappointment talking but it's true and it's said. Having said that. No sooner does con get on the phone than she starts yelling and arguing with my mom. Now, con knows that mom might have cancer, her reaction? "You're invading my privacy calling to tell me that." Or my personal favorite: "She's just saying that to get sympathy. She really wants something from me, I just don't know what it is." Let's just sum up and say con's a piece of work shall we??...

Everyone still with me? Good. Now, anyone who knows anything about cancer and waiting for the test results to come in knows it's a harrowing experience. You worry and imagine the worst case scenario because you don't know what else to do. You look at the survival rates and get emotional and start picturing your life without whoever it is who's sick. Needless to say it's one of the worst situations to be in. (Second only to getting a positive diagnosis. And my heart goes out to anyone with cancer and their families. You people are amazing. I'm struggling with despair and hopelessness and helplessness and we haven't even gotten the results back yet. You people are an example to the rest of us on perseverance and selflessness.) I had to fight the desire to drive out to her house and brain her. Seriously, I wanted to knock some sense into her. And I'm the easy-going quiet member of the family.

You can be proud of me (I'm a non-confrontational person at the best of times) I took the phone from my mom and told Con to stop complaining about her cold (like that even comes close to having cancer) and to start treating her sister like she's an actual person. To look beyond what she sees in the mirror and to care about someone other than herself. I'm still convinced I need to call her back and give her a rather large chunk of my mind. (God help her, fool she is) A confrontation is brewing. I will NOT sit idly by and let her treat my mother like this any longer! I don't care if she carried me around in her uterus for 9 months and spent hours giving birth. She needs to get her head out of her behind and suck it up and deal! Blaming everything on someone else (namely my mom) is a sick joke. It wont change what's happened and it wont make her right. Trying to get rid of the standard doesn't make her right, the standard still exists even if she wont acknowledge it, it just makes her stupid.

Maybe that's harsh and maybe I'm not living our my Christianity at the moment, but I needed some way to get this off my chest and this seemed like the best idea. Sorry.

Day-to-Day

Happy Christmas!!! (Merry Christmas!!)

As I'm sure ya'll know, today is Christams Eve. As such my family went to our church's candlelight Christmas Eve service. (man that's a mouthful) I ran into Jason (his blog is linked to mine on the panel (which ever side it's on) so you can go and bug him for me;) and we started to banter...(his sister was slightly appalled...or at least she was unsure whether or not to shake her head and walk away...Personally I think she was suffering from 'train syndrome'...You know, when you wanna look away from a train wreck, but ya just can't...)It was one of those moments. Very amusing. Seriously. You just had to be there....Anyway.

So there's this sort of bet going to see who ends up with the most posts by the end of the year...I'm bound and determined to win this...And I've got the motivation. I need a distraction from what's going on in my house. (I really just want to hurt my brother...I'm convinced the halves of men's brains don't start talking to each other until they reach 40...way to go bro, way to go. *shakes head*) (See previous post)

So this is the first in a (hopefully) long line of posts! I'm terribly sorry for you! ;p Next up is the running count of how many times Jason has scarred me emotionally and/or physically for the rest of my life...A sort of recounting of my scars for all to "see" (and laugh) (preferably at Jason (*wink*)) (preferably following the teasing that'll take place on his blog) (preferably without mentioning my name) (preferably some time soon) (I'm out of preferably's...sad)

So, that's all for now...Next up is what I got for Christmas...And how I spent my time...*sigh* I can't wait to impart the joyousness of the O'Neil love that's in my heart...There's an 'O'Neil' shaped hole in my heart that only he can fill....(lol) XD

Stop reading this already! I mean, I'm flattered and what not, but seriously. You're a scrooge! Go! Be gone with you! Spend time with your family already!! (that's where i'm headed next) you shouldn't still be here...I can understand the initial curiosity to know whether or not I've posted anything new, but this is just ridiculous! You shouldn't be reading this off by yourself in your dark, cold corner. Spend time with your family! It's Christmas for the love of Bob! (sorry Bob) Go! Don't make me hurt you!! (not that I want to (I don't in case you were wondering) because I don't but you should be spending what little time you have on this earth with the people who mean the most to you. Stop being so silly! *sigh* *shakes head* Honestly, you're just terrible!

Merry Freaking Christmas...

Hey, all. Sorry it's been so long since I've updated but with things the way they are with my family it make it pretty difficult to get away to post.

So this Christmas is looking to be the worst in recorded history...At least for me and my family anyway. Why? Well that's easy, turns out my mom may have ovarian cancer. Right now the doctors aren't sure, but that's what our family doctor originally thought....So Christmas is in 8 days and this is the bomb that's been dropped on us.

It's interesting to watch the way people respond. As I'm sure you're all well aware different people respond to this kind of situation in different ways. And with the way my siblings are responding, it makes it all the harder. So far there's been denial and anger...Not sure what comes next, right now I'm just trying to roll with the punches, but I'm only going to be able to last so long (or so far). We need someone to be the calm one in this and I guess I got the job. Time will tell how everything goes. Currently I'm just praying it doesn't turn out to be cancer of any kind. But we rarely get what we want, that whole life isn't fair thing, and at this point I can't really say what God wants us to learn from all of this.

So yeah, Merry Christmas.

I Don't Suffer From Celiacs...I Enjoy Every Moment of It!!

Alright. So I admit to being totally in love with cooking...It's a guilty pleasure that will make some dude totally happy...Seriously, my brother has told me I'm not 'allowed' to get married until after he does so he can 'enjoy' my cooking until the last possible moment! Oy! ..Anyway...I digress.

So, and I'm sure I'm not alone here, I'm a celiac. I'm griping because I'm addicted to the Food Network and they don't have any chefs/cooks who make gluten free foods...Heck, they don't make any foods for any people who have any kind of dietary requirement they have to meet. My complaint is simple. HIRE SOMEONE WHO CAN COOK BY ALTERNATIVE MEANS!!! Seriously people, it's not that difficult to find someone who can cook let's say gluten free food without using garbage like white sugar or the like.

I mean, hello! Sucanat anyone?? Why is it that people like me, who absolutely love to cook and love to cook as close to nature as we can get, can't get any recipes from the Food Network (or our favorite chefs) that we can eat that wont kill us. Because, I have to be honest here, eating gluten for a celiac is like giving a pound of pure white sugar to a diabetic...It's murder that's what it is!

Why this sudden overwhelming need to verbalize this complaint you may be asking yourself...Well, that's easy to answer. I'm currently watching the Food Network and Ina Garten is making cheese puff pastries...And the only thing running through my mind is...Gee, that looks good. Too bad I can't even consider eating any!

And so it falls to me to create a recipe that's gluten free with an alternative sweetner that us celiacs can actually eat...And so I shall. Who says celiacs is a life sentence? I say thus: I don't suffer from celiac's...I enjoy every moment of it!!! Mwaha!

And so my troops, I give the rallying cry. I'm going to try my hand at gluten free cheese puff pastries...And you'll be the first to know how it turns out! Aha!

Happy Thanksgiving!! (Part 2)

So...That was the recipe...Now it's time for the update. So I recently was brave and dyed my hair...(For the first time mind you) And it turned out really, really cool...I'm not going to say how or what it looks like in case I actually run into you and you get to see it for yourself. But suffice it to say that I'm pleasantly happy with it...And love it...(as much as anyone can love their hair color...)

I'm off of work for the next two weeks whilst my left hand heals up. Originally, we thought it was a sprain, but with all the wyrd stuff that my hand's been doing...Now, I'm not so sure. I'm gonna have a friend look at it and then decide if I should re-visit the doctor (not the one I originally saw..that was a fiasco and I don't want to repeat the experience) and see about getting some x-rays. So, while I'm happy about not working...(Hey, you would be too!! I've got tons of homework and projects to spend the next couple of weeks on and now I have the time to actually DO them!!) I'm not happy about the circumstances that brought it about.

And, can I say on a side note, that it's really, really difficult to post and type one-handed??!! I never really realized how much I use my left hand until I stopped being allowed to use it!! It's aweful! And everyone breathes down my neck: "DON'T USE YOUR LEFT HAND OR I'LL TIE YOUR ARM BEHIND YOUR BACK...Or something....!" *Ominous music plays*

But seriously, all in good fun, that whole "You never know what you've got till it's gone" thing totally applies!! And, since this whole experience has amused me to the point of absurdity, I thought I'd "pass it along." So, in all seriousness... Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving!! (Part 1)

So this year, I decided to post a recipe. It's not exactly something that I regularly do...(And we don't normally make it for Thanksgiving - The reason for that being that we don't write down our recipes - but I thought it'd be nice to give you a recipe and then update about meonsie.)

So...The recipe!! It's a dessert: which means yay sugar! And it's totally gluten free!! So people like me can eat to our hearts content without worrying about dying later...(And I mean it literally)

Baked Pears
- serves 8

8 while pears
1/2 cup lemon juice
1 cup red wine (I don't personally use this)
1/2 cup honey or maple syrup (or sucanat - which is what I use)
1/2 cup sweet cream (optional)

Combine lemon juice, wine and honey or syrup in a small pan. Bring to a simmer. Peel pears and core from the bottom end. Set on sides in a buttered pyrex dish and pour the wine mixture over them. Bake at 350 degrees for about 1/2 hour, turning and basting frequently. Carefully remove pears to a bowl and chill well. Meanwhile, pour syrup into a small saucepan and boil down until it thicken. Let cool.

To serve, place pears on individual plates and spoon sauce over.

Believe Again

So here I am going through a rough patch. And I keep telling myself...I'll pray tomorrow. Or, God knows, so why isn't He doing anything. Or just little things like that where my faith and my hope are/have been slowly dwindling down. And I've just let myself get whittled down to a pretty vulnerable position spiritually and all I keep thinking about is...Man, how can I know if where I'm being led is God? I know He has things planned for me, and I keep telling myself that He wants good for me and that it isn't just a pat answer. But it just keeps running together in my mind.

I feel like I'm just kinda floating around waiting for something. And like I've got any clue what that something is. It's like the more pain I get into, or have, the more I pull away from God. And it's not like I don't know that that isn't the right response. But that's what I do to everyone...And anyone who knows me, well anyone who knows me well, will agree with that statement. I'm walking a path blindfolded and I keep asking myself "Why?"

So I've kind of come to this point where I realize, or am realizing, that sometimes faith and hope and all that "stuff" is more of a decision than an actual belief. I read an article (and I'll post the part that matters) and heard a song (I'll post the lyrics) and it just kinda made me cry. I was like...Umm..Ok God, I get the hint. I can take a message. It was a moment like that. When things just started to crystalize for me and I realized I've been going about this the entirely wrong way. It's kinda like in Facing the Giants when the coach tells his team that God will be praised. And they need to keep that in mind and be willing to praise Him whether or not they get what they want. That they need to praise God when they win and when they lose.

So here's the quote: "...Letting go and trusting that good can come out of that. About trusting that God is going to work out the details we can't control." - Lacy/Flyleaf

And the song is:

Again by Flyleaf

It's okay

To breathe as deep as you play

Your future with me is safe

You sing with my heart when you pray

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

I love that you're never satisfied

With face value wisdom and happy lies

You take what they say and go back and cry

You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you

Be still

Wait and know I understand you

Be still

Be still

Here you are down at my feet again

Handing it all back to me again

Right where I want you to be again

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

Here you are down at my feet

Handing it all back to me

Right where I want you to be again

I love you

Please see and believe again

So it's little wonder why I'm posting again...Seems like whenever something worth saying comes up I normally just keep it locked away where no one else can see. Safe and deep, like cards kept close to my chest. But this time I thought that I might as well say it. It's just like I finally felt able to admit that I'm having trouble and that this is an ongoing issue...And, yeah, I'm still struggling with this. But you know what? Sometimes it's the important stuff that we wrestle with again and again and again...Until we get an answer. So this is me. Waiting on God to come through for me like He said He would. And this is me being human, and saying...Sure, I'm not perfect. And people will see this and (I hope) misconceptions about me will be killed. Swiftly. And people will stop looking at me like I'm some kind of human-looking-machine and see the person behind it all. Cause it's that person who tries to glorify God and walk according to His standards and His ways. And it's all easier said than done. I'm not saying it's not, but in the end. I'd rather be struggling to get to where He wants me to go than end up where I want me to be. Every day I'm being changed from what I was before into what He sees me as. I am not the same person I was yesterday. I am not the same person I'll be tomorrow. I'm not who I was 8 years ago. And one day I'll be able to look back on this time and be like..."yeah, that's the lesson He was trying to teach me. And sure, it took me a while, but in the end I learned the lesson and now I can walk upright knowing that I won't fall. Because even when I stumble, He's there to help me get back up."

So for those of you wondering where I've gone and what I've been up to...Yeah, that was probably more than you wanted to know, but it's true so deal...;p

A Day In The Life...

So the newest thing going on in my life happens to be pretty old. I'm taking a sewing class at Virginia Marti and the longer I stay on campus and the more I sew the harder it becomes for me to leave. Desperately do I want this. And there are things happening that leads me to believe (or hope) that God is leading me toward this destination. And now circumstances (or God) are making it seem possible for me to go and all i can do is act like a crazed fungirl on a pixie-stick induced sugar rush!So now ac come to my dilemma When does asking (or begging. take your pick) become presumption? When does a request become a demand? Where does the line exist? How do you know? H seems like 'inbeing led in this direction, but how dot know? Like beyond a shadow of doubt, 'this is God kind of know?! I want to be careful to not sign His name to something that's not His. I don't want to be one of those people who wants something then claims that' God' is the one behind it.How far is too far?

But that aside... I love my class and the professor is amazing! And the longer I spend there the morel wanna Stay! Oy!


Rae

Ashes to Ashes

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the death of Molly. She was the family cat. She was black with a tuft of white fur and she was never far from our home or our hearts.

Like a breath of air we held her in our lungs. And when we exhaled...She was gone. And so we are berift without her presence. She was with us for but a short while and we were all of us touched in some way by her loving nature.

Her death was sudden and tragic and as I write this we have officially just finished burying her.

I ask for a moment of silence in honor of Molly.

Rae

I do indeed live!!!

All,

It seems that is has been a long time since I have updated this humble little hole in the wall...This saddens me, but here I stand, figuratively speaking of course ;p, to ask forgiveness and to give, at least in part, and account for the why behind my silence.

There has been some upheaval of late in my immediate family. A collection of things piling up to steal my time away from you and your viewing pleasure. I am not at liberty to discuss exactly what has happened but know that it has been monumental and to a degree devastating.

Right now I am writing a story. Shocking I know, but none the less I have taken pen to paper as it were and am looking for someone to act as a sounding board for the prolouge. Just to see if it is passable as literature you see. But in any event, if you know someone who would like to see it, then by all means let me know...nudge, nudge..wink, wink...say no more...And who knows? Maybe the only reason that I think this is a passable story is because of the sleep deprivation that I have been subjected to as of late??...The world may never know...lol! ;p

Again...

Hello all! I have once again altered the layout of my blog...Hope you like it...It's kinda difficult to actually figure out what to post...After all, why just randomly post about the stupidity that makes twitter so popular...You're not interested in what I'm doing at the moment, and quite frankly I'm not interested in telling you what I'm doing at the moment...So I've got to wrack my brain to come up with something that's pithy and witty and bright...(ok song moment...and I'm rambling...oy!)

In any event I shall simply leave you with this to ponder...(cookie to who can tell me, without looking it up, who wrote it)

Let me not to the marriage of true minda
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken,
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be
taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom...

A New Beginning

Hello my darling readers! Thus begins, yet again, the new beginning of my wonderful blog. Yes, this is in fact the 2nd time that I've changed my blog, but as you can see there weren't that many changes to be made. I just added some color. Lol! ;)

Currently I'm on campus sitting in the basement at a computer lab waiting for my next class to start. Then it's back home for food and sleep so that I can be on my game for the production that I'm on wardrobe crew for.

All in all it's gonna be a busy couple of weeks and I won't be able to post much...Just so you're aware.

helloooooooo....

Hello my fresia eyed friends! What do you think of my new blog?? Est tres belle non?? Is it not amazing?? And oh so beautiful....*sigh* I'm thrilled beyond words...Ahh the wonders of networking...I guess it really doesn't hurt to know the right people...;p

But really, what do ya'll think? Isn't this amazing? Obviously there are a few kinks that'll eventually be worked out..But for now..This is my fabulous new home!!

Blue Chasing Red

So here is another part to add to the previous post...

Psalm 37 (in part)23-25

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread."

Red Wanting Blue

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. Surrounded on all sides by choices and failures. And no matter which way I go, I always end up back at the beginning. Yes, a man may choose his way but the Lord directs his steps, but what happens when your caught in a tailspin with no power and no wind...What do you do when you're surrounded on all sides and have nowhere left to go...(and i'm assuming that you're not spending you time staring at your navel - you're looking skyward toward your Lord and savior)

What then? What is life? Is it some kind of accumulation of our work...Our school and then somehow are we nothing more than the culmination of our jobs? Is that how we are seen? As bubbles? Beautiful and fragile and gone.

I'm not sure what life is all about. Not really. But I do know what it isn't. And perhaps that can help. I admit, I'm completely lost at the moment. I've been reading Psalm 42

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?" These things I remeber, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you tin turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remeber you from the land of Jordan and Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to Deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commandshis steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my rock: "Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, "where is your God?" Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

And that pretty much states where I am right now...

Full Circle

And so it begins again. That's right folks, the semester is starting again....And I must somehow force myself to begin again the daily grind...Which is not the most pleasant thought to be having let me tell you!!

But on a completely different note: I have once again begun the excavation of my kitchen...Yes, I am once again baking...Oh, all sorts of things. Bread, scones, cookies...It's all really dependent on my mood these days. But it's been turning out well and that has been a blessing.