For Those of Us Who've Been Adopted...

So right now I'm so angry I'm literally shaking. I've reached the point where I need some kind of cathartic release or I'm going to scream or cry...And I'd rather avoid either reaction, if at all possible.

Christmas this year has been different from years past. I've had to rely on the Lord more this year than I have any other year. Mostly because of the situation with my mom, but also because of my own deteriorating health and the knowledge/fact that there is nothing, let me repeat that nothing that I can do to change my situation. The only one who can change anything is the same one who created the universe (and subsequently my situation). Harrowing thoughts (or sobering - take your pick).

This year was going fine. Between my mom and I we made dinner (I'm proud to say that the only thing she did was the turkey - I made everything else:)(small victory maybe but it's helped to make her day easier so mission accomplished)) and my grandmother came over and we ate. Maybe we weren't 'merry' per-say (she's a bit of a pessimist my gran) but it was family time and that made it special.

Right up until my gran decided to get my mom to call Aunt (technically she's my biological mother but a person doesn't qualify as a parent for abandoning their child to their sister because they're too busy pretending that they're 15 to actually take care of their child.) I would like to take an opportunity to talk to all the other adopted kids (or whatever your circumstance) out there...I know, you wonder about your parents and what they're like...But let me tell you something: Stop. I can speak from experience here and say you're better off wherever you are than you would be with them. It may be a terrible thing to say but I really would love to not know either of my mother. The only thing she's ever done for me was to give birth...Well, she also left me to my mom, so I guess that counts too. But I'm telling you: they're more trouble than they're worth. And maybe that's the anger and disappointment talking but it's true and it's said. Having said that. No sooner does con get on the phone than she starts yelling and arguing with my mom. Now, con knows that mom might have cancer, her reaction? "You're invading my privacy calling to tell me that." Or my personal favorite: "She's just saying that to get sympathy. She really wants something from me, I just don't know what it is." Let's just sum up and say con's a piece of work shall we??...

Everyone still with me? Good. Now, anyone who knows anything about cancer and waiting for the test results to come in knows it's a harrowing experience. You worry and imagine the worst case scenario because you don't know what else to do. You look at the survival rates and get emotional and start picturing your life without whoever it is who's sick. Needless to say it's one of the worst situations to be in. (Second only to getting a positive diagnosis. And my heart goes out to anyone with cancer and their families. You people are amazing. I'm struggling with despair and hopelessness and helplessness and we haven't even gotten the results back yet. You people are an example to the rest of us on perseverance and selflessness.) I had to fight the desire to drive out to her house and brain her. Seriously, I wanted to knock some sense into her. And I'm the easy-going quiet member of the family.

You can be proud of me (I'm a non-confrontational person at the best of times) I took the phone from my mom and told Con to stop complaining about her cold (like that even comes close to having cancer) and to start treating her sister like she's an actual person. To look beyond what she sees in the mirror and to care about someone other than herself. I'm still convinced I need to call her back and give her a rather large chunk of my mind. (God help her, fool she is) A confrontation is brewing. I will NOT sit idly by and let her treat my mother like this any longer! I don't care if she carried me around in her uterus for 9 months and spent hours giving birth. She needs to get her head out of her behind and suck it up and deal! Blaming everything on someone else (namely my mom) is a sick joke. It wont change what's happened and it wont make her right. Trying to get rid of the standard doesn't make her right, the standard still exists even if she wont acknowledge it, it just makes her stupid.

Maybe that's harsh and maybe I'm not living our my Christianity at the moment, but I needed some way to get this off my chest and this seemed like the best idea. Sorry.